you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
