She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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