i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
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I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
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Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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