you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
