Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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