Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
