You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Sorry my hands just texted you
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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