He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
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It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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