This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
