Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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