just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
