Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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