It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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