Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
