I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
