He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
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Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
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She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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