I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
