Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
