I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
