id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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