The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm always down for nudity.
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