I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
