Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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