I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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