Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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