You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I can't turn off my feet"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
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