Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
