I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
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What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
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i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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