apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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