Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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