Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
