her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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