I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
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your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize