the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
