I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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