You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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