this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
