Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I supernannyed him into submission
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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