Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
