How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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