I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
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while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
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You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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