i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
