I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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