I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
