I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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