Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
