Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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