she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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