I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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