Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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