If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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