u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
