She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
